once upon an equinox

About six weeks ago, I cancelled my gym membership.  I figured working on a farm would be exercise enough (and it would be, too, if I could just restrain myself when confronted with all the wonderful pies and biscuits around here!).  

Anyway, my gym's name was "equinox" and I never really thought about that until this morning, as today is the autumnal equinox.  What the gym was trying to evoke, I suppose, is the notion of balance, and of nature and health.  And that's all good.

But I'm glad that I'm here at the farm to mark this equinox, rather than training on a treadmill and watching the closed captioning of cable news.  As many of you know, I've been a bit of a news addict in the last decade, since the debacle of the 2000 election...and my intense news monitoring only intensified during this last year's presidential debates and election.  I was spending hours each day tracking what all the talking heads were saying, what all the pundits were pontificating, and what all the analysts were predicting.  Now, there are some good signals out there in that sea of noise--I especially enjoyed Rachel Maddow, Nate Silver's website, fivethirtyeight.com, and the news and analysis of Josh Marshall's website TalkingPointsMemo.com.  But most of it was just endless chatter, that special "inside the beltway" idiocy that comes from focusing only on the perceived "optics" and politics of any particular moment, and the mindless repeating of whatever someone said somewhere...it occurs to me that much of the newsmedia is actually a lot like a treadmill, with the floor going around and around, and the appearance of movement, but for all that work, you don't actually get anywhere...

Now, thinking back on my incessant observation of the newsmedia, I suppose that I was driven by the idea that somehow I could make a difference by worrying the world...that if I just followed closely enough and paid enough attention, that I could shift the course of the river...

But after the election, I realized that I couldn't continue to be caught up in those soul-sucking spirals of negative energy.  Moving to the farm gave me a great opportunity to start some new patterns.  First, there's no TV here.  And I'm actually not in front of a computer for more than a couple hours a week, though I read updates from blogs and headlines, and follow the stories that matter to me, on my iphone each day.  I have to watch myself...I do still want to follow along with what's happening, policy-wise, and i do want to make sure that I can be a source of information for others.  But I don't want to get caught up in the silliness...and I'll tell you, being without a TV and away from the computer these last six weeks has been wonderful.  I'd prescribe that course of treatment for our whole culture, if i could!

So, for this equinox, I'm finding a new kind of balance.  Instead of worrying the world, I'm working it, cultivating it.  Instead of being driven by anxiety, I'm recognizing abundance.

One of the sisters here at the convent has noted, a couple times in conversation, that the Bible says we should "turn away from evil, and do good."  Not fight it.  Not focus on it.  But turn away from it, and do good.  I haven't talked much about what's been emerging for me, spiritually, these last months, and, frankly, I don't know how to yet.  I'm trusting that the words will come, in time.  But for now, I can say that the image of "turning away" resonates with me.   Instead of worrying the world, being attached to the negative, I'm turning away, and focusing instead on life and light.

your one wild and precious life

"The Summer Day" 
by Mary Oliver

Who made the world? 
Who made the swan, and the black bear? 
Who made the grasshopper? 
This grasshopper, I mean— 
the one who has flung herself out of the grass, 
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, 
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down— 
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. 
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. 
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. 
I don't know exactly what a prayer is. 
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down 
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, 
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, 
which is what I have been doing all day. 
Tell me, what else should I have done? 
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? 
Tell me, what is it you plan to do 
with your one wild and precious life?

I've been contemplating a new title for this blog, and was most recently settling on the phrase "one wild and precious life" from the poem above.  Part of my move to the farm, to this attentive life, came from my understanding, all of a sudden, on a small boat rocked by rain and waves off the coast of an island in Honduras, that we only have this one life, that we are such small creatures in this great universe, and that there is no time to be wasted.  

We had gone out early with a marine ecology boat, to look for dolphins and observe the marine life.  The boat was partially uncovered, and we sat toward the back, getting lightly sprayed with water as the boat rode against the waves.  And then it started drizzling.  And then it started raining.  And I thought, well, we're about to go snorkeling, what does it matter to get wet?  And then it started raining for real, and the chop came over the sides in huge waves.  As the water poured down on me from above and from the sides, I had a flash of insight:  we are mere specks in a giant sphere of water...And I began laughing, joyfully...

We are mere specks in the flood, and we are here for just a few moments.  This realization comforted me, gave me perspective...and made me desire to be connected to the natural world.  Being out among the open sky and the big water makes my soul soar...being among the trees and the dirt makes me breathe more deeply, slows my pace, makes me see.

So I've been toying with the phrase, "one wild and precious life," because that's what I want this blog to focus on...that realization that this is it, this is my life, and every bit of it matters.  How am I going to live this life?  How will I make use of the time I have?  What will I do to bring joy to others, to comfort, to heal?  I write to help me slow down and appreciate, to be present to my own experience, to stop rushing through time, to cease my stomping on the ground.  To prevent me from deferring, postponing, doubting, squashing.

And the phrase seems only more apt after this week, which brought about the death of one of the most remarkable women I've known, Gail Burns-Smith.  I knew her primarily as my best friend's mother, and she was like a second mother to me, especially during the rough years of high school and college.  She always welcomed me; when I brought my partner Anne to meet her, she welcomed her like a daughter, too.  Gail was also a passionate advocate and organizer, focused on stopping sexual violence against women.  This week, as tributes and condolences poured in from across the country, I learned just how effective she was, how her work was instrumental in passing the national Violence Against Women Act, as well as numerous state laws, and in creating the national model for victim advocates.  Her obituary, written by her husband Tom, the profile of her from the organization she built, and the feature on her in the Hartford Courant, together begin to illuminate just how much of an impact she had, and how much she was loved and admired.

But nothing can really capture her laugh, her incisive wit, her courage, her big heart.  By the way she lived her life, I think she must have understood that all we have is one wild and precious life...tell me, what will you do with yours?

pausing

I am delighted every day, whenever I remember to pause. It's all too easy to get caught up in a task, or start thinking ahead to the next thing that needs to be done, and not even really see what's surrounding me. Sometimes being "in the flow"--when you're totally engaged, learning something new or problem-solving, when the hours just fly by--can be exhilarating in itself. But other times, I can find myself (especially in front of the computer) just jumping from one thing to another and before I know it, the day is over...

On the farm, though, I'm finding it easier to pause, to look around myself, and to breathe deep. I think the rhythms of the day help: morning harvest is usually a quiet time, and the stillness of the garden can make me just stop and take in my surroundings, and smile.

With my harvest basket in hand, I will look up, stretch my back straight, and catch a glimpse of beauty...

Morning glories climbing the fence...




 

The geometry and grace of a squash blossom, its spiraling shoots and vines, the tiny little hairs covering it....

The amazing colors and shapes of our harvest, spread out on the countertop...

Zucchini, Ichiban and Green Goddess eggplants

Annelino beans (curly green beans)

Anaheim and Cherry Bomb peppers

Sun Gold and Cherry Tomatoes

Yard-long and Indy Gold beans...

Taking time to pause and appreciate is part of the culture of the farm, too.  Living in community, with six other adults who have a range of interests and responsibilities, means that other people are always doing something wonderful when you aren't looking...Walk into the pantry, and find that of the Sisters made a whole batch of Jalapeno Dill Pickles (YUM!)...walk into the yard, and see that someone has been busy planting and mulching, and there's a whole new bed of beets just bursting forth...go into Chapel and there's a beautiful arrangement of flowers gracing the altar...There's berries freezing in the freezer, eggs in the refrigerator, wood chopped and fences repaired, tidy guestrooms prepared for friends and visitors, and, always, delicious clean water brought from the building across the street. 

It's a symphony of sorts, one played in many parts and at different moments, and there can be bumps and scrapes along the way.  But the abundance of gifts that is the manifestation of this symphony is breathtaking: a perfect cherry tomato, in a season when most tomatoes in the northeast were devastated by blight.  A parade of ducklings, marching to their morning bath.  The collective happiness about the homecoming of a cat thought lost.  The enjoyment of shared work, shelling beans and beans and beans.

There's Hidatsa Red, Black Coco, Arikara Yellow, Black Turtle, Hutterite, Edamame, Kidney, Cannelini, Vermont Cranberry, and Scarlet Runner beans, for starters.  These are all "dry beans," and that means we let them ripen and dry on the vine, waiting as long as possible before we harvest them.  With all the rain, we need to be careful about them sprouting, as those can't be stored for the winter.  (The little white bowl in the upper left has some of the sprouted beans we found, in and among the others.)  Much of our work is in preparation for the winter, though the weather makes it hard to believe that it's already the end of August...

And although we are preparing for the months to come, what strikes me again and again is how much this community is living in the present.  Every day we pause, at every meal, to say what we are grateful for.  It's an amazing exercise, to stop and think about what you can give thanks for, and I find it makes me much more aware and appreciative of all that I am experiencing.   

Every day we pause, to stop and stretch and look around, to check in with the cats and the dogs, and the ducks and the chickens, and even the bees, to see how everyone is doing.  And these pauses are nourishing, enlivening, filling.  I hope that everyone can find moments in which to pause, to look around, to breathe. 

 

love and cooking

In the last few years, I've developed a passion for cooking--for the smells, tastes, colors, textures of food, and for the delight that people can experience eating food that is prepared with love and creativity. There's something both meditative and artistic, I find, in imagining a meal and then bringing it into being.

I think that my love of cooking and my desire to become healthier were the two driving forces that brought me to begin farming, though that journey has taken a couple of years. Earlier on, the idea of buying organic food seemed like a luxury and a hassle at once. My local corner grocery store didn't carry much fresh food, and the vegetables in the produce aisle cohabited with the owners' cat. Trekking into Manhattan took time. I managed to become a pretty decent cook with canned and frozen items, but we ordered in quite a bit, too! Then, a few years ago, a grocery delivery company started delivering in my neighborhood. It was great, for awhile, until I became completely disgusted with the amount of plastic packaging used...Every week, we were throwing out a seemingly endless sea of containers. And while that company offered many freshly prepared foods, they were expensive.

Last summer, I realized that I'd been going to the gym for about a year, given up smoking (again!), and wasn't seeing many changes. I switched to a new trainer, who had me write down everything I ate, every day, and show it to her. This was an invaluable activity--it really made me notice food. I was already eating pretty healthily--yogurt and fruit, veggies and pasta, lean meats and grains and salad--but just writing everything down made me think about my body as a whole complex thing, about the relation to what I took in and what was happening as I strove to build muscle and improve my cardiovascular system. I started thinking about my health differently, about whether I really wanted to take certain things into my body...

When the economy started to crash this past fall, I got hooked on the idea of "recession cooking"--using low cost, healthy, and often out-of-fashion foods and making them as wonderful as possible. Around the same time, it seemed that everyone I knew was reading Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma and other similar books (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver; What to Eat by Marion Nestle; Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlossberg).  And Mark Bittman, whose recipes I've long loved, was writing for the NYTimes in his "Bitten" blog about conscious eating and healthy foods (in early 2009 he published Food Matters: A guide for conscious eating).  So I started experimenting with sweet potatoes (grating them into hash browns with sage, roasting them and then baking them into muffins, steaming them and eating them plain), black eyed peas (great for soup with sausage and greens), cauliflower (amazing roasted, with a little olive oil, curry powder and garlic), and cabbage (tasty when briefly wilted in bacon fat and then baked with yogurt. Tomatoes, long roasted with cinnamon and garlic. Squid, braised with artichokes.  I began searching out recipes on blogs, from The Kitchn; Cheap, Healthy, Good; Food Renegade...the more I read, the more I became interested in and aware about the ethics of food, the problems with "industrial food", and how "pastured" animal products (grass-fed butter, milk and meat) is much healthier for us.

And as I became more attentive to the origin and quality of each ingredient, thinking simultaneously about cost, environmental/pesticidal issues, packaging and waste, and health/nutrition, I found that I wasn't satisfied unless I knew a lot about the food I was using to cook with. I wanted the food I used to meet a number of criteria. I wanted to support local farmers, so my food didn't have to use an airplane or a truck to get to me. I wanted to eat fresh, clean, healthy food that was nutritious to me and didn't harm any of the people who were producing it. I wanted to limit the amount of waste I generated, both by avoiding excess packaging and by using every bit of every bit. These all were related, intertwined.

And the more I thought about these issues, the more convinced I became that the cost--in terms of time shopping, time cooking, and the sometimes higher prices--were all worth it. The meals I cooked, and served to the love of my life, to my friends and family, and to myself--these meals are acts of love and faith. They say, to myself and to the world, that I believe in particular set of social and environmental concerns, that I am acting on and embodying my beliefs to the best of my ability.

I know that I can't always be totally ethically satisfied in my food shopping--sometimes you need to buy a certain thing, and it's out of season and so has to be imported from California or Mexico. And I know that sometimes you need to take a shortcut and have to buy prepared salad dressing rather than make your own. But I also know that once I devoted spending all day Sunday to cooking for the week--making a roast chicken or a stew, making 15 burritos and freezing them, cooking up some greens and some rice to last for the next few days...those Sundays were days filled with love and creativity, meditation and singing. Those were days that I was feeding myself and my wife, caring for us and thinking about the days ahead.

Perhaps it's a bit ironic that my journey deeper into my love of food and the ethics of food production has led me to move to a farm and away from my partner, who is still working in the city. We will see each other on weekends, and I'll come to the city for a "date night" every week. But I don't feel separated from her at all, and I think it's important for me to find a new path, a new profession that can feed me, and us, for the long term. So, for now, I'm learning about farming, about squashing pests by hand, about making yogurt from raw milk, about mulching and compost and mycelium, and about the wider networks of people and organizations interested in food, farming, food politics, and the future. I'll be writing about all of these topics in the weeks to come.

For now, I'll leave you with a taste of my cooking: zucchini fritters, cold curried cucumber soup with minted yogurt, and spicy string beans. All, except the olive oil, from our garden.

Zucchini Fritters--if you've grown zucchini, you might know this already. Apparently it grows in leaps and bounds, and some people get sick of it! So I've been looking up new recipes to keep the Sisters happy about their crop of zucchini, and so far, we've been loving it. I'll write about the raw zucchini "pasta" successes another day....

So, for this dish, I used a recipe from a blog that's new to me: Whipped the Blog. I had to tweak it, because we have two people here who are gluten intolerant. So I used two cups of white beans, which I mashed into a chunky pasty mass, and four eggs, to act as binding agents. And rather than grating the zucchini (because here we typically are cooking for eight people, and I had a lot to do) I just chopped the zucchini into 2"x2" size pieces and then pulsed them in the blender until they were little bitty bits. The key in this recipe is to salt the zucchini bits well, and let them sit for 1/2 hour, then squeeze them well. Zucchini holds a tremendous amount of water, and you need to release that so the fritters hold together.

Take that squeezed zucchini and add to it mint (or dill) and lots of scallions, salt, pepper, and either breadcrumbs or smooshed white beans, and some egg. Then form into patties and fry in a little bit of olive oil. Voila!

As for the cucumber soup with minted yogurt, I got that from a Mark Bittman book that you can see on the web thru GoogleBooks...but it's super easy, and you could make it with many variations. First, take some yogurt and some chopped mint and mix them together, vigorously, for a few minutes...basically, you want to infuse the mint oil into the yogurt. Then remove the mint by straining the yogurt. Refrigerate that until you're ready. Then, take a bunch of peeled cucumbers (though you could use the peels, I suppose!) and pulse them into little bits, remove a third while it's still a bit chunky, and then process the rest til it's smooth. To the cucumbers, add some salt and a couple teaspoons of curry powder and lemon juice (or you could use chili powder and lime juice).  Let rest for two hours, if possible, so that the flavors can blend well.  Then, when it's time to serve, put some of the cucumber stuff in a bowl, then create a little well and put the yogurt in the middle.  Garnish with chopped mint and toasted nuts... Yum!  

The spicy string beans were an attempt at Chinese cooking--they came out great, but I probably will make them a little crunchier in the future, by reducing the simmer time.  I used this recipe here, but we didn't have Hoisin sauce.  That would have made it even better!  

The string beans didn't really "go" with the Mediterranean flavors in the fritters and soup, but I chose them for balance: they added some crunch and some spice to a meal that had a lot of soft, savory, and cool.  Whenever it's possible, I try to create that kind of balance, to engage as many senses and tastes as I can.  I would have preferred green beans to yellow beans, for the extra color, but yellow beans are what we picked that morning, so there you go!  

 

a new rhythm

On August 1, I began my new work with Bluestone Farm, a small organic farm in Brewster NY, which is run by the Community of the Holy Spirit, an Episcopalian order of nuns. I've been volunteering here all spring almost every weekend, and finally decided that it was time to dive in, to learn what I could learn, to support their work, and to make a new way for myself. I've been writing updates about the farm and this transition on Facebook and Twitter (and posting photos on Flickr), but now will be writing regular posts to this blog.

There's a long story to tell here, involving my own awakening to sustainability and our shared future on this planet, the sisters' eco-spiritual project and their relation to the larger food and environmental movements, the many people who visit and are touched by the nuns' work, and my reviving spirituality.

But I don't have a coherent narrative yet, so perhaps a blog is the best way to "write down the bones" and see where the writing takes me.

So: to begin. A brief description about the rhythm of the farm, a new rhythm for me. This weekend began as the last eight or so have, with an early morning harvest that we prepped to sell at the local farmers market. The market is small, with five stands: the bakers, the honey guy, the Italian cheese/meat/pasta folks, and another (larger, non-organic) vegetable stand. Click here for pictures of previous weeks.

We like to call our produce "twice eaten" because, as you can see it's a bit holey--it's been munched by bugs, and then it gets munched by us.

We start harvesting at 6:30, after a short chapel service called "Lauds." Then we head out with our scissors and baskets, and harvest lettuces, kale, chard, collards, mustard greens, carrots, beets, herbs...whatever's ready. We also sell duck and chicken eggs, spices, jams and maple syrup. All organically produced, although we're not "certified organic" because of the cost involved.

Market runs from 9-2, then we've got to pack it all away, see what we can cook or store of anything we didn't sell...it's a busy day. We're usually done with that in time for a bit of a rest from 4-5, then chapel again for Vespers, and then a relaxed dinner. But by 9pm I am d-u-n, done. Early to bed is the rhythm here...

The day is packed with farmwork, but satisfying. The best part, for me, is talking with people at the market who are kind of new to vegetables. They know they should be eating more greens, but aren't really sure what everything is and how to prepare it. I try to give everyone simple recipes, involving only a few ingredients...One of the things I hope to do with this blog is set down some of those recipes, along with pictures of yummy dishes we make here.

This Sunday, we harvested oats...something new for all of us. This is the first year the sisters have grown oats, so we all are finding our way around how to harvest and dry them. We had hoped for sun, but it was cloudy and started drizzling about an hour in.

We were able to bring in more than half of the field, load it in the truck, and then bundle it into shocks back in the barn. The barn smells amazing now, as the oats are drying out and getting ready for threshing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a new rhythm for me, to be sure.

Taking a longer view on things, seeing the onions I planted back in April finally getting ready for harvest, planning how to store the harvest for the eventual winter...it's not just getting up with the sun, or walking to the fields instead of the subway station...

I'm getting glimpses of a rhythm that's following and responding to large, powerful forces--the sun, the seasons, the cycle of life. It's a rhythm available to all of us, if we take a minute to comprehend just how small we are in this universe, and if we stop, and look, and appreciate just how beautiful this world is.